"Day by day in every way, I'm growing better and better."

-Emil Coue

Whine Blawg
meditating man

So I've been in a relationship for about 5 months and I think it's drawing to a close.  We started seeing each other when she was 6 months pregnant.  I stayed with her for a few days at the hospital when the baby was born.  I'm in love with both of them.  She is a high school teacher, very intelligent, and bipolar (like inpatient manic episode level bipolar).  She moved in with her mother about an hour away from me after she got pregnant while teaching abroad in El Salvidor.  The father is not in the picture.  I thought of it as a serious possibility for a new family and so did she.

Intimacy has been an issue obviously due to the pregnancy.  But now that it's been 2 months since birth, she barely even kisses me anymore and gets pissed when I broach the subject.  When we last spoke of it, she said she thinks we need a "break" because she's so overwhelmed with work; she took a job that's an hour commute both ways, she just had a baby, she's living with her mother, she started a new relationship, she's bipolar, i.e., she has WAY too many stressors.  I understand that, but I can feel when it's over between two people and this feels OVER.  We haven't made it official, but I think that's just because she's waiting for me to end it.


My sig oth pointed me toward a new career path in school library media.  I've passed the exams for it and am trying to get certification in Indiana.  I'm focusing solely on jobs in the greater Indianapolis area because that's near where she lives/works and I had wanted to move there anyway.  So even if things don't work out between us, the plan still stands.  A step down from higher ed, but higher ed doesn't want me until I get some field experience and more publications under my belt (of which I have two now).  I don't see many prospects at the moment because the school year has already begun.  But it gives me hope and could be a stepping stone to getting into higher ed again.


For some time now I've dabbled in taking drugs.  I'm prescribed two controlled substances which hasn't been much of a problem, but have found myself taking a little extra or supplementing with a little bit more of other things that might come along.  The past 2 months I've been taking kratom and find myself experiencing opiate-like withdrawal when I stop.  I've dramatically cut down on my dose and am weening off.

My sig oth said that she thinks she can only really open up sexually if she has sex two times with me while she's drinking or once if she's on MDMA - neither have worked and, like I said, that area of our relationship has only gotten worse.  She introduced me to a site where one can get ANYTHING sent in the mail.  Well this opened up a Pandora's box.  I got the MDMA and some hash oil that I vape in an e-cig.  I was going to get even harder stuff and am very glad I didn't.  But I've been using hash every night for about three weeks now.  Honestly, it doesn't feel like much of a problem, but I can imagine over time it could hurt my already poor productivity by self-medicating in this manner.  I've talked to some folks in AA about it and they seem very concerned, as am I.

In Sum

It's amazing how little bits of hope can make life seem like it's worth living and how when those are taken away, one is left with the empty meaninglessness of his existence.  Why does my life matter?  What makes me a respectable person?

My career has some hope, but it is still a BIG unknown.  And the direction it's taken is so much more modest than the one I'd prepared for over this past 15 years.  I've all but lost my belief in God.  I haven't drank, but am I really sober?  I feel distant from AA.  I have few friends nearby and none that are emotionally close to me.  I had hope for a relationship and a family, and that is almost certainly over.  Even if it isn't, how can I be with someone that feels no affection for me and doesn't want to have sex?

Once again, or more accurately, still, I am lost.  Other than losing my parents, getting a debilitating illness, or getting in trouble with the law, my life is worse than I imagined it could have been at this point in my life.

(no subject)
meditating man
Had to wipe an old man's ass today.  Glad I have a PhD.  

It's not fair for me to start a blog entry that way.  I'm very optimistic about my life right now.  

The Dating World (and Outlook on Life in General) Has Changed For Me
meditating man
A friend introduced me to the pickup artist community by recommending the book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists y Neil Strauss.  It and the wealth of online information available through the PUA community has revolutionized my outlook on dating, sex, and relationships.  I already see it working in my life.  

I have a second date with someone in Greencastle tomorrow.  I'm struggling with some of my moral views on the matter and my worries about hurting others, but I'm very sexually attracted to this woman and enjoy talking with her, but I can't see myself having a relationship with her.  I made clear to her that I don't know how it can work out with us living almost an hour away from each other and with my new found views on dating.  She said she has a problem with men getting attached to her and not going away when she wants them too.  So it sounds like we're on the same page.  

She really seems down to fuck.  I am really down to fuck.  She is having me pick her up at her place tomorrow and I'm hoping we can  have sex, but I have other opportunities popping up as we speak and I anticipate more in the near future and don't want to tie myself down with her (figuratively at least).  I have to come to terms with the possibility of fucking someone while dating others if I want to go down this road.

I am doing SO much better than when I made my last posts: I'm on a new med; my bodyfat has gone down and muscle mass remained; and I started a new internship.  I have real hope for the first time in a long while and I've accepted where I'm at in life yet I'm confident that I can move forward to achieve my dreams.  

A Change Gonna Come
meditating man
I really need some unequivocal good news--not promising possibility, not hope, but good news--specifically in my love life and career. I've worked for it. I've been patient (sometimes). I know my life is better than most in this world, but I demand nothing less than excellence. Three years without a career and 5 years single is not acceptable. I can be alone. I can wait for something good, but I am breaking under the weight of years and years of uncertainty and failure.

Hope in the Dark Night of the Soul
meditating man
I am in so much pain right now.  But I feel like many big and small things are going to happen soon in my life that will change it for the better.  I feel myself growing and becoming a better person again.  I haven't felt that in a long time.  All of this loneliness, rejection, failure, and dragging my aching legs through the dunes and brittle earth of the desert are preparing me for my purpose in the land promised to me by the still quiet voice of Providence. 

Complicated Haircut
meditating man
The last two women that rejected me hadn't been in a relationship in a long time.  One own's the salon at which I get my hair cut.  We had a date and she quit responding to my texts.  The second I met on a dating site and I found out later she works at the salon.  The latter seemed nervous that I had been out with her boss and that I don't drink because she does.  So she kept dropping the F-bomb, i.e., "let's be FRIENDS for now."  We had difficulty finding a time to meet b/c of our schedules and in about a 2 week period she was already in a relationship with someone else.  She said she still wanted to be friends, but understood when I said I couldn't b/c I had already developed feelings even though we hadn't met f2f.  

I had the balls to stick with my hairdresser and go in for humbling experience of getting a haircut knowing I'd probably see these two women which I did.  They were both really sweet.  The owner didn't speak other than to say how much she enjoyed hearing about the research in my field when I was discussing it with my hairdresser.  Meanwhile I got to hear her say all of the great things that were going on in her relationship while cutting someone else's hair.  WHATEVER.  

The other person walked by and said how nice it was to meet me and touched my shoulder.  Afterward she sent me a fb message saying it was nice to see me.  I told her I wish it had happened weeks earlier meaning I wish I'd been able to woo her before she met her new bf.  

I was going to keep the exchange short and sweet, but felt compelled to keep messaging her.  She confided that she was wondering if she made a mistake b/c I'm "impossibly easy on the eyes."  I'm still in the middle of chatting with her and she's conflicted and so am I, but she just said she'd been talking with him for months, cares about him deeply, has everything in common with him, but regrets not having met me.  Fuck. I really wanted to hear that she felt that way about me, but I don't want to break up someone's relationship and I don't want to hear how great it is either.  

To be continued...

Things Psych Patients Say
meditating man
Me: [70 yr old African-American female Client], you can't be back here; you have to go up front.
Client: I don't want to go out there--too many white people.
Me: There are only white people back here!
Client: Yeah, but I want to talk to you.  You're the most handsomest man I've ever seen.  You got 5 o'clock shadow at 8 o'clock in the morning.  

Been a long time
meditating man
I've wanted to fucking die for a while now.  I worked for a decade toward a career, went a lifetime into debt, 3 years out I'm living with my parents in my shithole hometown making $8.50 an hour, and I am on my 4th or 5th year of not being in a relationship.    

I have drifted from AA and abuse drugs occasionally.  I still attend meetings and my drug use hasn't caused me much trouble, but I'm in dangerous territory.  I am so self-centered at the moment that I repulse myself.  

Every attempt I make to have a love life crushes me.  I cannot handle rejection.  I am alone for years at a time.  I am so fucking lonely and lost and scared. I know that I have it better than the vast majority of people on the planet, but I would rather die than live a mediocre life and that is exactly what my life is right now.  

I'm working with a sponsor right now and trying to revive my belief in God.  I must get out of my self-centeredness.  I'll ask to chair a meeting now that I know my nights are free.    

Of course no one will read this, but in part that is the point.  I've fallen into the facebook world and retained too much of my openness from my lj days.  I'm afraid it may have cost me professionally and socially.  

I have more to say, but it's late and I think I can sleep now.  Since I still seem to have the same underlying emotional balance of my teenage years, my inspiration to break my lj silence came from a rejection from yet another woman I don't even really know.    

meditating man
You'll want to turn the volume down a little.  The guitar is overpowering.

by Daniel Johnston (verses written by me)

by Willie Nelson

by Kasey Chambers

by Johnny Cash

(no subject)
meditating man


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