"Day by day in every way, I'm growing better and better."

-Emil Coue

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Been a long time
meditating man
I've wanted to fucking die for a while now.  I worked for a decade toward a career, went a lifetime into debt, 3 years out I'm living with my parents in my shithole hometown making $8.50 an hour, and I am on my 4th or 5th year of not being in a relationship.    

I have drifted from AA and abuse drugs occasionally.  I still attend meetings and my drug use hasn't caused me much trouble, but I'm in dangerous territory.  I am so self-centered at the moment that I repulse myself.  

Every attempt I make to have a love life crushes me.  I cannot handle rejection.  I am alone for years at a time.  I am so fucking lonely and lost and scared. I know that I have it better than the vast majority of people on the planet, but I would rather die than live a mediocre life and that is exactly what my life is right now.  

I'm working with a sponsor right now and trying to revive my belief in God.  I must get out of my self-centeredness.  I'll ask to chair a meeting now that I know my nights are free.    

Of course no one will read this, but in part that is the point.  I've fallen into the facebook world and retained too much of my openness from my lj days.  I'm afraid it may have cost me professionally and socially.  

I have more to say, but it's late and I think I can sleep now.  Since I still seem to have the same underlying emotional balance of my teenage years, my inspiration to break my lj silence came from a rejection from yet another woman I don't even really know.    

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I'm being treated for depression. Fortunately I do exercise regularly.

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