"Day by day in every way, I'm growing better and better."

-Emil Coue

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Been a long time
meditating man
I've wanted to fucking die for a while now.  I worked for a decade toward a career, went a lifetime into debt, 3 years out I'm living with my parents in my shithole hometown making $8.50 an hour, and I am on my 4th or 5th year of not being in a relationship.    

I have drifted from AA and abuse drugs occasionally.  I still attend meetings and my drug use hasn't caused me much trouble, but I'm in dangerous territory.  I am so self-centered at the moment that I repulse myself.  

Every attempt I make to have a love life crushes me.  I cannot handle rejection.  I am alone for years at a time.  I am so fucking lonely and lost and scared. I know that I have it better than the vast majority of people on the planet, but I would rather die than live a mediocre life and that is exactly what my life is right now.  

I'm working with a sponsor right now and trying to revive my belief in God.  I must get out of my self-centeredness.  I'll ask to chair a meeting now that I know my nights are free.    

Of course no one will read this, but in part that is the point.  I've fallen into the facebook world and retained too much of my openness from my lj days.  I'm afraid it may have cost me professionally and socially.  

I have more to say, but it's late and I think I can sleep now.  Since I still seem to have the same underlying emotional balance of my teenage years, my inspiration to break my lj silence came from a rejection from yet another woman I don't even really know.    

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Funny how rarely one gets around to cancelling rss feeds when the flow stops.

It sounds like depression to me. It's not your fault, it's an illness. Get some exercise and lots of light and good luck.

And maybe take some Vitamin D supplements if not already doing so. 2,000 IU a day or so has really helped me. Funny how such a seemingly little thing can help with my mood.

I'm being treated for depression. Fortunately I do exercise regularly.

I am almost always of the opinion that in order to have the best chance of emotional sobriety, one must first give up all mood/mind altering drugs. But after many years, I have come to conclude that taking such a position with others exposes me as a bit of a hypocrite, as I have consumed incredible quantities of caffeine and nicotine well into my separation from the substances which wrought so much trouble in my life before. And let's not kid, caffeine and nicotine are highly addictive. Shit. Needless to say, I am no longer as quick to say that one must give up all drugs in order to recover, but I am confident that drug use, in just about any quantity, has a way of interfering with things, at least in those of us who are prone to addiction.

All that said, it is always darkest before dawn. And as others have stated, you are a uniquely spectacular individual - and personally I feel very been blessed to know you. Self-pity, self-seeking, self-centeredness are some of the ugliest character flaws of the human condition, and although perhaps you feel as though you have far more of these dark sides than most everyone else, I find that they are far more common than I ever realized.

This fact is actually good news. So many others who have fallen into these emotional/mental booby traps have eventually found a (mostly) permanent way out, and I believe you can, as well. It does take "willingness," but as we know all too well, that willingness often only comes after a bit of a brutal beating (often of our own making lol).

I love you, man. It will get better if you let it. I swear to you.

Thanks man. I haven't given up and a lot of people are on myself. Love you too.

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