So I've been in a relationship for about 5 months and I think it's drawing to a close. We started seeing each other when she was 6 months pregnant. I stayed with her for a few days at the hospital when the baby was born. I'm in love with both of them. She is a high school teacher, very intelligent, and bipolar (like inpatient manic episode level bipolar). She moved in with her mother about an hour away from me after she got pregnant while teaching abroad in El Salvidor. The father is not in the picture. I thought of it as a serious possibility for a new family and so did she.
Intimacy has been an issue obviously due to the pregnancy. But now that it's been 2 months since birth, she barely even kisses me anymore and gets pissed when I broach the subject. When we last spoke of it, she said she thinks we need a "break" because she's so overwhelmed with work; she took a job that's an hour commute both ways, she just had a baby, she's living with her mother, she started a new relationship, she's bipolar, i.e., she has WAY too many stressors. I understand that, but I can feel when it's over between two people and this feels OVER. We haven't made it official, but I think that's just because she's waiting for me to end it.
My sig oth pointed me toward a new career path in school library media. I've passed the exams for it and am trying to get certification in Indiana. I'm focusing solely on jobs in the greater Indianapolis area because that's near where she lives/works and I had wanted to move there anyway. So even if things don't work out between us, the plan still stands. A step down from higher ed, but higher ed doesn't want me until I get some field experience and more publications under my belt (of which I have two now). I don't see many prospects at the moment because the school year has already begun. But it gives me hope and could be a stepping stone to getting into higher ed again.
For some time now I've dabbled in taking drugs. I'm prescribed two controlled substances which hasn't been much of a problem, but have found myself taking a little extra or supplementing with a little bit more of other things that might come along. The past 2 months I've been taking kratom and find myself experiencing opiate-like withdrawal when I stop. I've dramatically cut down on my dose and am weening off.
My sig oth said that she thinks she can only really open up sexually if she has sex two times with me while she's drinking or once if she's on MDMA - neither have worked and, like I said, that area of our relationship has only gotten worse. She introduced me to a site where one can get ANYTHING sent in the mail. Well this opened up a Pandora's box. I got the MDMA and some hash oil that I vape in an e-cig. I was going to get even harder stuff and am very glad I didn't. But I've been using hash every night for about three weeks now. Honestly, it doesn't feel like much of a problem, but I can imagine over time it could hurt my already poor productivity by self-medicating in this manner. I've talked to some folks in AA about it and they seem very concerned, as am I.
It's amazing how little bits of hope can make life seem like it's worth living and how when those are taken away, one is left with the empty meaninglessness of his existence. Why does my life matter? What makes me a respectable person?
My career has some hope, but it is still a BIG unknown. And the direction it's taken is so much more modest than the one I'd prepared for over this past 15 years. I've all but lost my belief in God. I haven't drank, but am I really sober? I feel distant from AA. I have few friends nearby and none that are emotionally close to me. I had hope for a relationship and a family, and that is almost certainly over. Even if it isn't, how can I be with someone that feels no affection for me and doesn't want to have sex?
Once again, or more accurately, still, I am lost. Other than losing my parents, getting a debilitating illness, or getting in trouble with the law, my life is worse than I imagined it could have been at this point in my life.